Wake Your Dream

Annaliese and Alan unpack how the fear of “being selfish” can quietly keep you stuck, overextended, or disconnected from your own needs. They'll talk you through rethinking what selfishness actually means so you can stop letting guilt or limiting beliefs drive your choices. Instead of living anxiously trying to avoid being selfish, you’ll learn how to grow a more grounded sense of selfhood (believing you matter too!), as you set yourself up with healthier decisions, stronger boundaries, and willingness to show up with mutual care for yourself and others.
You’ll Hear About:
Rethinking selfishness: Worrying about becoming selfish can block growth and change you can tell you need. If your current way of living feels draining or limiting, ask yourself—where is your definition of selfishness possibly holding you back from choosing what you need?
Noticing imbalance: The way you view yourself is shaping how you live. Are you usually over-prioritizing others or only focusing on yourself? Growing your self-awareness helps you spot your default pattern, see how you're getting in your own way, and grow into the kind of person you truly want to be.
Choosing selfhood on purpose: If you don’t redefine selfishness intentionally, you'll probably default to minimizing your needs until you feel burned out on your own life. You can find a healthier way by practicing small, meaningful steps toward honoring and supporting yourself while letting go of guilt. What would it look like to build real selfhood instead of just avoiding being “selfish”?
Your Free Coaching Call:
Ready for personalized support? Visit www.linktree.com/coachannaliese to book your free 1-hour Discovery Chat and take your next step forward:SELFISH - SELFLESS - SELFHOOD Comparison Chart
SELFISH
SELFHOOD
SELFLESS
My wants and needs always come first.
Stating my needs helps me forge healthy relationships.
My wants and needs don't matter.
I pursue what I want - no matter who gets hurt.
Develop my God-given talents in a mindful way is one of my most important responsibilities.
I bury my talents - even when it hurts me.
I only advocate for my own needs. I don't defer to others. 
I consider my own needs and the needs of others, even when it's challenging.
I never state my needs. I pretty much always defer to others.
In my relationship with God and others, I'm mainly thinking, "How can I get what I want here?"
I practice giving and receiving with God, others, and myself. 
I work hard for God and others - I don't know how to receive.
QUIZ:
AM I AVOIDING SELFISHNESS OR BUILDING SELFHOOD?Selfhood, not selflessness, is the antidote when you don’t want to end up becoming selfish. It’s the practice of beginning to view and treat yourself and others as mutually worth prioritizing and supporting. Answer each of the following questions honestly about how you tend to show up in relationships or situations in your life right now. Your goal isn’t judgement, it’s to build awareness first, then be able to build a healthier perspective, one small experiment at a time. (A’s are in the Selfish category - B’s are in the Selfhood category - C’s are in the Selflessness category) 
1. When a decision affects both you and someone else, what happens first? A. I decide based on what I want, and factor them in (or not) afterward. B. I notice what I want, then what they might need, and make a choice weighing both.C. I immediately default to what they’d prefer, before I check in with myself (if I even do).2. When someone offers you care, support, or a compliment, what do you do?A. I accept it with some feelings of entitlement. I expect people to show up when I need it. B. I receive it with gratitude. I both appreciate that others gave to me, and feel worthy of receiving kindness or help.C. I deflect, minimize, or immediately try to return the favor - receiving feels very uncomfortable.3. When you have a need or preference in a relationship, what usually happens? A. I state it and expect it to be met. It’s not really a question. B. I name it - knowing it might not be met in the way I picture - and stay open to the response.C. I either don’t say it, or apologize for even having it before I finish saying my thought.4. After tension or a hard moment, where does your attention go first? A. To defending myself, pushing my point, or dismissing the other person and moving on. B. To understanding better what happened - for both of us.C. To wondering what I did wrong and trying to fix it for them.

Annaliese and Alan talk about how self-care isn't just healthy practices — it's about building a holistic attitude of actually caring about yourself and how you feel and act in your life. If you shifted your attitude toward yourself, how might that open up your world? Self-care transforms who you think you are, what you think you're capable of, and what options you're able to see for yourself.
YOU'LL HEAR ABOUT:
Self-care isn't just about gathering ideas for joy or ways to feel better when you're stressed, sad, or overwhelmed — it's meant to help you become more authentically yourself through any of life's highs and lows, deeply shifting your attitude toward yourself along the way.
Finding and naming your current attitude about yourself is a powerful starting point. How do you treat yourself in your day-to-day moments? Are you dismissive or harsh when you're struggling? Notice the thoughts blocking you from caring about your own experience — like "Other people need to come first" or "I should just suck it up."
Things that can shift when you build a self-care mentality: other people's moods don't have to become yours, paying attention to yourself throughout the day grows your sense of worth, and taking care of yourself in the moment builds real proof that you matter.
YOUR FREE COACHING SESSION:Have your own coaching session with Annaliese! Visit www.linktree.com/coachannaliese to schedule your FREE 1-hour Discovery Chat. Share your story and get real, actionable tips to make meaningful changes in your life.
RESOURCES & PRACTICESHere are some previous episodes on Self-Care that you can use to go even further with this topic...-Episode 51: Is Self-Care Selfish?: https://wakeyourdream.podbean.com/e/51-is-self-care-selfish/
-Episode 49: Your Own Version Of Self-Care: https://wakeyourdream.podbean.com/e/49-your-own-version-of-self-care/
-Episode 12: Emotional Self-Care To Take Control Of Your Day:https://wakeyourdream.podbean.com/e/12-emotional-self-care-to-take-control-of-your-day/
 
Questions To Build A Relationship With Yourself:
How am I treating myself right now?
How am I doing right now?
What do I need more of right now?
How can I help myself right now?
What would I tell a close friend about this right now?
Practicing An Attitude of Self-Care:
Give yourself permission — Notice where you're ruling yourself out. No one else gives you permission to care for and support yourself — only you can do that. You get to factor into your own decisions, and you deserve the freedom to choose what you need.
Ask yourself each day: "Have I looked my way today?" — When you practice being generous and compassionate with yourself, it becomes easier to offer that to others too. Checking in with yourself throughout the day is a key building block of feeling more connected and stable inside.

Annaliese and Alan talk about the ways and reasons we blame, why we think it will give us relief — and why it actually doesn't satisfy us. Blaming can feel like a power trip in the moment, but it's actually taking your power away. Understanding what you're experiencing and why gives you the info you need to feel the power of your own choice in vulnerable or uncertain moments.
You'll Hear About:
When we get hurt, placing blame feels like it will give us resolution — but it's more helpful to see how you can support yourself getting the comfort and healing you need
Noticing when you feel like blaming and what you're trying to get from it
Using your emotions to help you (by seeing what they're pointing you toward) instead of letting discomfort make you shut down or turn away
The difference between blame and responsibility — blame leaves you feeling less capable, while accepting responsibility leaves you feeling more empowered
How blame reinforces fear and escape — and how understanding your own capability to show up differently changes everything
Some Reasons We Blame:
Defensiveness (not wanting to be wrong or uncomfortable)
Self-punishment (out of guilt, disappointment, or discomfort)
Making someone else responsible for how awful we feel
Impact of Blame:
Keeps you in blind spots
Keeps you feeling like you need to escape yourself or your life
Ways to Help Yourself Handle Hurt Better:
Feel your feeling all the way through — notice it, name it, see what it's pointing you toward
Ask: "What is this telling me I need?"
When you see what the hurt is showing you, you can give that support to yourself
Blame distracts you from getting into your own need and actually feeling better
Act from a calmer "I would rather…" energy instead of panicky "I have to…" energy
Antidotes to Blame:
Notice what you need and honor it — pause, turn inward, and let your feelings show you what you actually need right now
Practice letting go — releasing the need to assign blame immediately frees you from the pressure, keeping you more connected and in charge instead of reactive
Find your choice — ask yourself: "How am I responsible right now?" and "How would I rather show up here?"
Take personal responsibility from a caring, constructive place — you want more for yourself, and you're capable of handling this in a way that reflects that
Anchor yourself — you're not alone. What you're feeling is deeply human, it's normal, it's okay, and you get to choose how you respond
Want your FREE coaching session?-Have a coaching session with Annaliese to see for yourself how coaching can help you make real changes in your life! Visit www.calendly.com/coachwithannaliese/discovery to schedule your own FREE, 1-hour Discovery Chat. 

Annaliese and Alan talk about how to change your unhelpful thoughts and beliefs once you discover you have them. They dig into how these beliefs have been shaping your experiences in life for a long time — and how to build new ones that open up more of what's actually possible for you!
You'll Hear About:
How your daily patterns — anxiety at work, struggling to trust yourself, needing constant outside opinions — are likely rooted in a deep , hidden belief that's been running the show. Learn to see it so you can start to shift it!
Why your beliefs shape how you feel about yourself and your life, and how to build a new one using same way the old one formed — through slightly better thoughts, gentler self-treatment in real-time, and small aligned actions built in your moments added up over time.
How to choose a new belief that feels realistic and hopeful, not perfect or out of reach. You want beliefs that help you feel capable and resilient in real life — not like you need to escape it.
Your Free Coaching Call:
See ways you'd like to work through this yourself? Visit www.linktree.com/coachannaliese to schedule your FREE 1-hour Discovery Coaching Chat with Annaliese! You'll gain practical tips and steps in this call, even if it's the only coaching session you ever make.
3 Steps to Live From a New Belief:
Notice and name your current belief — Find it by locating what your discomfort has been. Feeling not enough? Feeling judged? Feeling unsafe or risky? Name it so you can see it.
Identify the change you want — What's the new direction you see you're missing here? (Feeling enough vs. feeling scarce. Owning your choices vs. life happening to you.)
Take changed actions — Pick one small, intentional response — not a reaction — that you can take in any moment that will align you with your new belief instead of just reinforcing the old one.

Annaliese and Alan talk about how your hidden triggers quietly shape your emotional reactions, relationships, and everyday life. So often, reactive stories start playing in your mind (thoughts) and body (feelings) before you even realize it. When you learn to notice that inner narrative in the moment, you gain powerful self-awareness, giving you the ability to decide whether that story gets to lead you or whether you want to choose a different response.
You’ll Hear About:
Why building self-awareness around the stories in your head is essential for personal growth, emotional maturity, and mindset change. When you understand why you’re showing up the way you are, you can actually measure growth and make intentional shifts.
How to recognize the subtle cues of your hidden triggers. Are you assuming someone’s tone means something negative? Jumping to conclusions about their intentions? Feeling irritation rise quickly? These trigger stories color your perception and are shaping your experience in real time.
Why triggers often feel like they come “out of nowhere.” Your brain is wired to make quick meaning and try to protect you. But without awareness, you can end up replaying the same negative patterns in your relationships, communication habits, and the ways you experience daily stress.
Your Free Coaching Call:
Ready to go deeper in your own self-development journey? Schedule your FREE 1-hour Discovery Chat with Annaliese at www.linktree.com/coachannaliese. Share your situation and receive helpful coaching tools to create some real, lasting change.
Related Podcast Episode:
Listen to learn more about changing the story in your head:https://wakeyourdream.podbean.com/e/18-you-can-change-the-story-in-your-head/
FINDING YOUR HIDDEN TRIGGERSFacing and reflecting on your inner experience regularly helps you uncover the hidden trigger stories driving your reactions — so you don’t have to keep repeating reactive habits on autopilot.Practice: Sitting With YourselfGet alone with your thoughts and feelings long enough to name them. Try to resist the urge to distract, avoid, or immediately fix what you find. The true goal is to gently uncover the reality of your experience so you can understand why certain situations or people stir irritation, defensiveness, or reactivity in you.
Identify and Log What You FindSimply notice and list what’s present as you sit and reflect on your experience — thoughts, feelings, assumptions, reactions, expectations. Don’t analyze or change anything yet. This step is awareness only.
Shift Into a Listening PostureNotice your internal stance toward yourself. If you sense critical, defensive, or tense energy, gently shift toward a little more curiosity and openness to listening and hearing. Your goal here is familiarity and understanding, not self-correction.
Simple Evaluation (“Just One Reason”)Choose one thing from your Log (step 1) and ask, “What’s one reason this showed up in me?” Approach yourself with wisdom and love here - kindness toward yourself helps you see your options and create change where you want it. From this place of awareness, you’ll begin to see what small, intentional shifts are possible to try out.
 

Annaliese and Alan talk about what makes communication both effective and deeply connecting in close relationships. They reflect on how many adults eventually notice communication blind spots in themselves because different communication styles were modeled in their families growing up. This conversation explores how emotional maturity and intentional practice help us build healthier, more connected relationship patterns over time.
You’ll Hear About:
Why relationships aren’t strengthened by clear or frequent communication alone, but by learning to balance speaking the truth accurately while also speaking with love, kindness, and respect. Real connection grows when honesty and care are held together.
How contributing more to an important relationship often means being willing to say things in messy or clunky ways at first. Practicing new communication patterns—whether becoming clearer and more assertive or softer and more compassionate—takes experimentation, humility, and courage, but builds intimacy, trust, and deeper connection.
How practicing “speaking the truth in love” helps repair imbalanced or disconnected relationship dynamics while also helping you grow personally. Learning to be both direct and loving gives the other person what they need while helping you become a healthier communicator.
Your Free Coaching Call:
Want support improving your communication, deepen your relationships, and improve your own emotional experience? Schedule your FREE 1-hour Discovery Chat with Annaliese at www.linktree.com/coachannaliese to see how coaching with her helps you get practical next steps toward the meaningful change you want.
PRACTICE KIND, TRUTHFUL COMMUNICATION:Learning to speak the truth in love is one of the most powerful ways to build the intimacy and trust you want in your relationship—including in your relationship with yourself! Practicing new communication skills is good and valuable work, even when it's the most challenging. Support yourself internally as you practice before trying something new gives you a strong foundation. It’s okay if it feels messy at first—your growth will work out way better than the old way!
Ask yourself:
Where do I fall on the scale between Speaking The Truth and Speaking With Love?
Which comes more naturally? Which feels harder?
Notice your honest reaction and see why the harder skill is your growth invitation. Aim for small, daily improvement: “I’ll try to say this truth 2% more clearly,” or “I’ll try to say this truth 2% more lovingly.”
Check your tone and posture—inside and out—before conversations.Take a few minutes to ground yourself and choose calmness and direction before interacting.Notice the posture you’re carrying internally, because it usually shows up outwardly too. Ask yourself:
Am I walking in trying to make them see my point?
Am I open and receptive, or trying to avoid discomfort or quickly drop my point and leave?
 

Annaliese and Alan talk about how fixating on outcomes in life can quietly consume your limited energy in the present moment. Annaliese shares how our deeper invitation is to notice how we actually feel in and about our lives right now—and to intentionally prioritize spending our primary resources (time, money, attention, and energy) on what we can realistically influence today. When we shift our focus to what’s within our control in the present, we regain steadiness, clarity, and a greater sense of peace.
You’ll Hear About:
Spending too much time picturing, preparing, and planning for the future? Planning can be healthy and helpful—when it’s grounded in the reality of the present. When it’s not, it drains your energy, increases anxiety, and leaves you feeling defeated or incapable. Learning to let go of what you can’t control and re-anchor your focus in what you can helps restore joy, motivation, confidence, and emotional stability.
How to notice where your focus lives most often (past, present, or future) and what it’s costing you. The present moment is where your power actually exists. You are only responsible for your own thoughts, actions, and how you navigate your feelings—and that work can only happen now.
When focusing on a future outcome—even a meaningful one—causes you to abandon the present. Living as if peace, rest, or fulfillment can only come after an outcome steals the very resources you need to grow, thrive, and move forward today.
Your Free Coaching Call:
Experience how coaching can help you gain results you want in your life! Visit www.linktree.com/coachannaliese to schedule your FREE 1-hour Discovery Chat with Annaliese. Share where you're at and what you're working on, and gain practical, supportive guidance for creating real change.
Practices:
STEPS TO LET GO OF FIXATING ON THE OUTCOME:Spending more resources on the future than the present often steals from your current quality of life—it doesn’t guarantee the future. This present reality is your life. More things probably matter to you than just the outcome you’ve been fixating on (even when it’s very important). How can you free up your resources to do the living you need and want for today?
Notice where your focus is and what it’s costing you.Pay attention to your body sensations, emotions, and recurring thoughts to show you where your focus and attention are going. Your focus directs how you spend your limited resources of time, energy, attention, and money. Reflect on where your resources are going and how that’s shaping your current quality of life.
Practice accepting what’s in your control—and what’s not.You can influence outcomes through your thoughts, attitudes, and actions, but you can’t ensure certainty. Remembering the natur of life and what's outside of your control helps you feel your own capability and wisdom again. Your limited resources are best spent creating the stability, peace, and consistency you need the present.
Slow down once a week for a Values and Balance Check-In.Notice where your daily energy (of just you being you) feels out of balance. Where are your attention/action choices helping—or hurting—you most? What does this reveal about what you value, and what else might deserve more attention? Small, honest reflections here can lead to meaningful daily shifts.

Annaliese and Alan talk about perfectionism in practical ways that actually help you in the moment. Annaliese explores how perfectionism often disguises itself as the “right way” to be, think, or live—when in reality, it slowly disconnects you from your authenticity, agency, and inner clarity. You’ll uncover how perfectionism undermines personal growth by demanding control over things you can’t control in order to succeed. Instead of helping you reach your goals, it quietly works against your true desires. Listen for how to plug back into your aligned values and support your emotional well-being on the way to your goals.
You’ll Hear About How:
Perfectionism can feel compelling, like it’s the only acceptable way to pursue growth or success. But notice how it makes you feel—pressured, defeated, or trapped without choices. These feelings are often signals that you’re disconnected from your true desires and natural capability.
Perfectionism feeds you impossible rules about life and about yourself: you can’t change your mind, you must know the right way ahead of time, you have to get it right the first time, and failure isn’t allowed. These standards don’t create effectiveness, confidence, or peace.
Perfectionism is a form of self-protection and self-reliance that doesn’t actually provide motivating safety, trust, or strength. Seeking control distracts you from what’s more powerful—your built-in courage to live authentically without certainty.
Your Free Coaching Call:Have a coaching session with Annaliese yourself! Visit www.linktree.com/coachannaliese to schedule your FREE, 1-hour Discovery Chat and see how coaching gives you clarity, mindset support, and practical next steps.
TIPS FOR NAVIGATING PERFECTIONISM:Perfectionism feels like pressure, stress, rigidity, and defeat because it says you need certainty to be “right.” Real freedom comes from remembering you need courage—not control—to live purposefully and effectively. And courage is always available inside you!
Reflect on what you truly want and specify your aim and goalCaring about doing things well is healthy, but notice how you’re approaching excellence. Decide how you want the process to feel as you grow, live your life, and pursue your goals.
Notice if you’re criticizing, undermining, or defeating yourselfSelf-criticism makes change harder, not easier. How you treat yourself during growth or progress matters even more than the outcome, because it's shaping you as a person.
Handle your disappointments with empowerment, not punishmentUse disappointments and mistakes to clarify your focus not disqualify you. Letting yourself experiment more freely helps you show back up with renewed belief, trust, and self-compassion instead of tearing yourself down.
 

Annaliese and Alan talk about one of the most overlooked foundations of real personal growth: learning to love yourself. This episode reframes self-compassion as more than a concept that sounds good or feels good—it’s meant to become a brand new foundation of love for yourself that effectively fuels any change you hope to make. Instead of growing from a basis of self-criticism or judgment, this conversation invites you to see yourself from a new angle, soften the lens you use on yourself, and shift your focus toward how you treat yourself day to day.
You’ll Hear About:
How real self-compassion means learning to see yourself through a lens of love instead of criticism or judgment. Where you usually approach change from a pain point or a judgmental stance, notice there is another way: “God doesn’t change us in order to love us. He loves us into change.”
Seeing and identifying your own walls that come up against practicing self-compassion. Treating yourself from a starting point of kindness and love, even before you’ve made changes, might feel uncomfortable, but will be infinitely more effective.
The reasons that harsh, rigid, judgmental ways of motivating yourself can work temporarily for outcomes, but end up undermining your quality of life. And why accepting that you matter and deserve to be loved in your life is the building block for genuine change and transformation.
Tips to Practice Love That Fuels Your GrowthThe outcome is not all that matters in your life. You matter in your life. The best way to actually feel that is to live out a new foundation of love for yourself—not self-criticism or judgment.
Hang out with yourself more in your day. Think about your day like, “I’m with myself today.” Check in more often: Did I hang out with myself, or did I leave myself behind? Did I show up only to correct myself?
Treat yourself like you’re a person who matters too. If other people are supposed to matter to you, remember—you are an “other person” to them as well, so it makes sense to practice seeing yourself as lovable, valuable, and significant!
Actually practice your relationship with yourself. Pay attention to yourself. Factor yourself into your choices. Ask: What’s my thought life like right now? How am I feeling? What am I doing and why? Pick one small way to act like you matter today. Treat yourself like you’re worth showing up for. Practice and repeat your relationship with yourself daily.
Your Free Coaching Call:-Have a coaching session with Annaliese yourself! Visit www.linktree.com/coachannaliese to schedule your FREE, 1-hour Discovery Chat. Share what you hope for and Annaliese will help you gain helpful tips to make real changes in your life.
Want more on self-compassion? Listen to Wake Your Dream episode 47.

Annaliese and Alan dig into how the way you see yourself shapes the way you think, speak, and act. When you’re trying to grow, your inner picture matters. Annaliese shares a simple mindset tool called “Update Yourself,” a practice that helps you picture yourself as more capable, grounded, and empowered so real change feels possible—not overwhelming.
You’ll Hear About:
How your brain can learn a new, more confident picture of who you are and what you can do. You’re not locked into old patterns—you truly can do new things.
Why owning your choices matters. Are you supporting your growth or slipping back into old standards like perfectionism or settling? Choose a standard that actually helps you move forward.
How your body responds differently to Updated Stories versus Outdated Stories. When you celebrate who you’re becoming, you feel your growth, and that creates natural motivation fuel for more of it, inside and out.
How Updating Yourself strengthens your relationship with you. It’s a bridge from doubt to desire. Simple “updated” thoughts—like “I’m the person who gets to make change happen”—open doors that old thoughts keep shut.
How to stop assuming the worst about uncertain outcomes and start expecting what you hope to find.
Resources:
Schedule your FREE, 1-hour Discovery Chat. Share what ideas and changes you want to make in your life and Annaliese will help you gain helpful tips to make them happen!
Your Resources: time, money, attention, energy.
Tell Yourself UPDATED Stories, Not Outdated Ones:
Ask yourself: How am I different today than I have been before? What do I care about now that I didn’t before?
Notice what you’re improving on or what matters to you now. Tell yourself about the updated person you’re becoming—statements like “I’m more organized now” or “I know how to organize better.”
Remember the real goal is becoming your true self, not chasing a perfect outcome. What do you want instead of what you’ve been getting? What changes would support that?
Focus on the change you want to make. Choose a thought about yourself that helps you feel capable, satisfied, and ready to take that step.